If you ask most people what they want in life, many would say, “I just want to be happy.” But according to Dr. Robert Waldinger, a psychiatrist and the director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, most of us are looking for happiness in the wrong places.

For years, we’ve been told that success, money, fame, and achievements will lead to happiness. Social media, work culture, and hustle mindset often push us to chase more — more followers, more money, more goals. But Waldinger says these things don’t really bring lasting joy. In fact, they might be pulling us away from what actually matters.

So, Where Does True Fulfillment Come From?

According to Waldinger and nearly 80 years of research, the answer is simple — real happiness comes from strong relationships and a sense of purpose. Whether it’s family, friends, partners, or even coworkers, being connected to others is what gives life real meaning.

And it’s not just about casual chats or sending a quick emoji. It’s about really showing up for people — listening, caring, and spending quality time. Waldinger calls this our “bedrock of social well-being.” The stronger your relationships, the more fulfilled your life feels.

A Turning Point in His Own Life

Waldinger shared that around the age of 47, he hit a point many people reach — where success and achievements didn’t feel as satisfying anymore. He asked himself the big question: “Is this all there is?”

Instead of ignoring that feeling, he turned to Zen Buddhism and found peace in a simple truth. A chant he came across said:

“I am of the nature to grow old. There is no way to escape growing old.
I am of the nature to have ill health. There is no way to escape having ill health.
I am of the nature to die. There is no way to escape death.”

At first, this may sound dark or sad. But Waldinger says it actually felt freeing — finally, someone was being honest about life. From that moment, he stopped stressing about the little things and started asking himself a powerful question: “Does this really matter?” Most of the time, the answer was no.

How to Reset Your Priorities

During a recent talk at The New York Times Well Festival, Waldinger gave a few tips on how to shift your focus and live a more meaningful life:

• Stop chasing happiness. Instead, invest in relationships and find what truly matters to you.
• Make small connections. Even a short call or message to a friend can help strengthen bonds and make you feel more connected.
• Try mindfulness or meditation. These practices help you stay grounded and appreciate the present.
• Don’t avoid discomfort. Feeling unsure about your life can actually be a good thing — it gives you the chance to rethink your path.
• Ask yourself, “How do I want to spend my waking hours?” This simple question can help you find more purpose.

Happiness Is Not a Finish Line

Waldinger believes one of the biggest myths is thinking that happiness is a place we reach. In reality, it’s not about reaching a certain goal — it’s about how we live day to day. When we build strong relationships and stay present, happiness tends to show up more often.

“You won’t be happy all the time,” he says. “But happiness is likely to find you more often.”

So, next time you feel like you’re falling behind or not doing enough, take a moment to pause. Call a friend. Take a walk. Reflect on what truly matters to you. Because a happy life isn’t built through achievements — it’s built through connection, purpose, and presence.