What Does Passive Aggressive Mean?

Passive aggression is when someone expresses anger or frustration indirectly rather than addressing it head-on. Instead of openly communicating their feelings, they might act moody, refuse to cooperate, or intentionally “forget” responsibilities. This behavior can leave others feeling confused, frustrated, or even guilty—without knowing why.

We all act passive-aggressively at times, often without realizing it. It’s a way to avoid confrontation while still expressing displeasure. However, this approach usually backfires. The passive-aggressive person never clearly communicates their needs, and the other person is left in the dark.

Though it may seem like a minor issue, passive aggression can damage relationships over time. It creates an environment of distrust, whether in personal relationships or the workplace. A passive-aggressive partner may make you feel unloved, while a coworker’s behavior can disrupt teamwork and create a toxic atmosphere.

Other Forms of Aggression

Passive aggression is often mistaken for other types of behavior, such as covert or overt aggression:

• Covert Aggression: Unlike passive aggression, this form is active but hidden. Spreading rumors, manipulating others, or secretly sabotaging someone falls under covert aggression. Sarcasm and backhanded compliments can sometimes blur the line between passive and covert aggression.
• Overt Aggression: This involves direct hostility, like name-calling or bullying, where the aggressor openly expresses their anger.

Examples of Passive-Aggressive Behavior

In Relationships:

• Giving the silent treatment instead of expressing frustration.
• Sulking or making sarcastic remarks to get attention without discussing the issue.
• Agreeing to help with a chore but doing it so slowly that it becomes frustrating for the other person.

At Work:

• Withholding important information to create difficulties for a colleague.
• “Forgetting” to complete tasks, making extra work for others.
• Offering vague instructions to set someone up for failure.
• Giving backhanded compliments, such as, “Wow, I didn’t expect you to get that promotion!”

A key sign of passive-aggressive behavior is a disconnect between words and actions. Someone might insist, “I’m not mad” while clearly acting upset. When left unaddressed, passive aggression can escalate into full-blown emotional withdrawal, manipulation, or even gaslighting.

Why Do People Act Passive Aggressively?

People often resort to passive aggression when they struggle to express anger directly. Common reasons include:

• Fear of confrontation – Some believe anger should always be suppressed, but bottled-up emotions tend to surface in indirect ways.
• Fear of rejection – Those with insecure attachment styles might worry that being direct will push people away.
• Low self-esteem – Feeling unworthy can make someone hesitant to assert themselves, but passive aggression can give them a sense of control.
• Personality disorders – Conditions like borderline personality disorder or narcissistic traits can lead to manipulative, passive-aggressive behavior.

How to Deal with Passive-Aggressive People

1. Recognize the Signs
Pay attention to patterns. Does a coworker always sulk when receiving feedback? Does a partner conveniently “forget” things when they’re annoyed? Identifying these behaviors can help you prepare for a response.

2. Respond Calmly and Directly

• Stay composed. Recognizing your own frustration will help you stay in control.
• Don’t mirror their behavior. Responding with coldness or sarcasm will only make things worse.
• Encourage open communication. Instead of reacting emotionally, say something like, “I feel like there’s something bothering you. Would you like to talk about it?”

3. Set Boundaries
If passive-aggressive behavior persists, setting boundaries is essential. If someone refuses to communicate honestly, you don’t have to engage in their indirect games. In extreme cases—such as ongoing manipulation or gaslighting—distancing yourself might be the healthiest option.

Passive aggression may seem like a small issue, but it can create lasting damage in relationships and workplaces. Recognising the signs, addressing issues directly, and setting boundaries can help prevent unnecessary stress and conflict. Encouraging open and honest communication is the best way to break the cycle of passive aggression.